Managing loneliness following a relationship breakdown

Taking place between the 9th and 15th of May, this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week will focus on loneliness, including its effect on our mental health and how we can all play a part in reducing loneliness in our communities.

The theme is particularly important following the pandemic when many people were isolated from loved ones and friends, with the government’s latest ‘Community Life Survey’ showing that approximately 3 million people in England feel lonely often or always.

Here, Jane Robey, the CEO of the charity National Family Mediation (NFM) which helps families to sort arrangements for children, property, finance and other important matters following separation or divorce, offers some advice to anyone who is experiencing loneliness as a result of a relationship breakdown.

It’s ok not to be ok:

“A separation or divorce is often a very traumatic event in a person’s life,” Jane says. “In many cases people want to cut ties so that they can ‘move on’, perhaps meeting new friends, trying new things and finding a new partner.

“It can be a very exciting time, but for others it can be a struggle.

“Sadly, the end of a relationship often means that people sever relationships that were once important to them, and that can leave many feeling isolated and lonely. Equally, taking care of young children alone when you once had a partner to offer support can be very tough.

“Acknowledging how you feel and finding someone to talk to will help. Great if you have a close friend or family member you can open up to, but we know that isn’t always possible.

“If you need additional support there are charities you can speak to, such as Gingerbread, and you could consider signing up to a local group where you can meet others who are in a similar boat.”

Embrace change:

“What works one year, might not necessarily work the next, so don’t be afraid to ask for a change to better meet your current circumstances,” Jane urges.

“If the children are getting a little older, or if their routine and needs change which is adding to your sense of loneliness and you feel you would benefit from a different child arrangement, consider discussing that with your ex-partner.

“You might also want to ask for a different schedule if there is a class that takes place on a particular evening that you would like to attend, for example.

“It’s really important to know that just because you agreed something at the time of your relationship breakdown, it isn’t set in stone for life. In fact, around 35% of the enquiries we receive at NFM are from families whose circumstances have changed since the parenting plan was put in place.

“Mediation is popular in these cases as people recognise that an independent third party can help them navigate the changes and reach a solution that meets everyone’s needs. “

A problem shared is a problem halved:

Jane says that while many people associate loneliness with being alone, that isn’t always the case. “Loneliness isn’t always triggered by being alone. In many cases where people have experienced a divorce or separation it is more a sense of having to make every decision alone.

“Day to day choices like what to give the kids for tea, or which park to go to, can feel overwhelming if you don’t have someone to bounce ideas off or occasionally give you a break.

“As the old saying goes, ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ – and finding someone you can talk to if this is starting to affect you is important. Even if it feels a bit silly asking a friend whether you should cook Kiev’s or Spag Bol, you might find it really helps. You could even invite them round to join you!”

Be prepared to talk:

“If you recognise that a small change to your current routine could help you tackle your sense of loneliness but you and your ex find it difficult to talk to each other, consider mediation.

“This is where a trained independent mediator helps you work out arrangements concerning children, finance or property,” Jane explains.

“The mediator is there to help you work through disagreements and find solutions that work for you both. Even if you already have a child agreement in place, you can still use mediation to discuss changes that might help you feel less lonely.

“Currently couples wanting to discuss children matters can also access the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme which is worth up to £500 so there is no reason to worry about financing it.”

Don’t be afraid to get additional support:

Jane says: “If you continue to struggle with loneliness and it is affecting your mental health, there is help available. Here, The Mental Health Foundation lists a number of charities and NHS organisations that can offer support.

“Don’t suffer alone.” 

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NFM’s professional mediators are highly skilled third party negotiators with experience in helping families create long-term solutions that work well for their particular circumstances.

In addition to the family mediation voucher scheme, Legal Aid also remains available for family mediation.

NFM’s professional mediators are highly skilled third party negotiators with experience in helping families create long-term solutions that work well for their particular circumstances.

In addition to the family mediation voucher scheme, Legal Aid also remains available for family mediation.